Dr. Tara Luvbites: For example, there’s a couple that came in and, you know, I can talk about it vaguely. Yeah, there’s confidentiality. Yeah, there’s a couple that came in and she’s no longer attracted to him, not physically. Not physically because, like, physically she still thinks he’s attractive. Like he’s handsome, but because he has given up on his business.
Sabrina Chevannes: Yeah. Exactly something has changed like in his life and that she was attracted to that drive the ambition and its gone.
Dr. Tara Luvbites: Yes like he now has no ambition? Yeah, like that’s not the person I married. Yeah. And how do you, you know, can you stick it out? Or can you leave? That’s like she came to me because of that she’s like yeah I don’t want to be a bad person but he’s no longer the person that I’m married. So if I leave I’m a bad person. Is there a thing that they always talk about how like a true marriage is when you do you know ups and downs, lows and highs, thick and thins? Like how can I stay, how can I have the strength to stay?
And I said communication. Yeah you have to communicate that this is the factor that reduces the attraction and other parts including sexual attraction. You’re not going to be sexually interested in someone that gives up on life, that sits down watches TV drink beer all day long and yeah gave up on your business.
Sabrina Chevannes: Yeah, completely unattractive. 100%
Dr. Tara Luvbites: Because it’s not the person you were attracted to from the first time right? And how long has it been right? So for her like she said it’s been two years I’m like girl you’ve stuck it out for a while like you’re good. So I’ve helped her I basically helped her facilitate this conversation with him. And you know I told her like it’s 100% fair to give a timeline because you live your life too. You can’t live your life for other people. You can’t be here serving him for someone that stops growing so we give him you know a little timeline. We give verbal affirmations like confirmation from every party like this is what we’re going to do.
Six months later they come see me and he has found like new passion in fitness. So he restarted here. Started. So like just a little bit more. He used to own a gym. I’m like how do I talk about this like but I also don’t get sued for confidentiality but used to run a gym, gave up on life, watched TV, drank beer for two years. Now he’s like you know found love again in a different kind of training and restarted his social media, hired someone to do a website, now started like coaching clients independently so yeah.
Six months later after she communicated, listen I used to love you because we were both entrepreneurs and we were like killing it and we were thriving and striving and then you decided to quit and you decided to become someone else and I was still the same person. So let’s communicate this. Can we still be together? Can you refine this passion within you again or is it fair that I leave so that you have more room to grow by yourself.
Sabrina Chevannes: But that’s so beautiful because it’s also that she helped him like restart his life because he obviously still loved her and he was like oh my god I’m gonna lose her because a lot of times they don’t even realize they’ve changed. And the thought of losing someone makes them change for the better. It’s so nice that then everything’s great with them now.
Dr. Tara Luvbites: I’ve kind of but not every story is like that I actually have facilitated a divorce as well.
Sabrina Chevannes: Oh no.
Dr. Tara Luvbites: It was for the better.
Sabrina Chevannes: I was gonna say it must have been for a good reason right?
Dr. Tara Luvbites: It’s always for a good reason. Divorce is not a failure. Divorce is an opportunity to restart and reclaim your power in your life. So if you’re in a place where it’s really dark don’t be scared of divorce. And if you want a friend to walk you through a professional to walk you through this kind of difficult conversation, Dr. Tara the sex coach is here.
Sabrina Chevannes: That’s so useful and I think there’s loads of people probably listening, probably not even necessarily going through a divorce but maybe thinking about it and they don’t realize and it’s just having that conversation makes them actually understand what they’re really feeling.
Dr. Tara Luvbites: So they usually call it like facilitating the crossroad conversation. And you don’t have to cross the road alone. I’ll hold your hand.
Sabrina Chevannes: That’s so cute. It’s all my friends and stuff and family. How do they think about you doing this as a career? Because I feel like it’s quite traditional and even like me doing my job they don’t really understand what I do. And you know but if I said about a girl yeah well like podcasting digital marketing all these modern techy stuff they’re like yeah they’re really understanding you know. So it’s a non-traditional career. But if I turned around I go hey mom I’m like teaching sex like maybe like what coach? I teach people how to give really good blowjobs. I don’t know what parents would have feel like how did your parents react?
Dr. Tara Luvbites: My parents still I’ll tell their friends that I’m a social science professor.
Sabrina Chevannes: That’s like a typical Asian thing a very Asian thing
Dr. Tara Luvbites: Asian thing yeah, she’s a professor and like oh what does she teach then they just say social science which is not a lie really it’s true. It is social science but they don’t. Yeah they’re not there yet especially in my culture like Thai culture it’s being a young woman talking about sex assertively is still looked down upon so I think they’re just protecting their own identity but also mine and I don’t have a problem with that because I live in the US I live in Los Angeles I can talk about sex all day long but they don’t have to. They have their life so yeah they usually tell people I am a social science professor.
Sabrina Chevannes: But it’s like it is such a different culture like you’re in LA which is probably one of the most out there cities in the world where anything goes and then you’re from Thailand which is quite, Asian culture in general reserved in comparison. But Thailand also is interesting place when it comes to sex like and how they view things and obviously there’s people go out there as sex tourists that’s the thing and you know Thailand is a very big hot spot for that and there’s like you know the whole fetish of transverstites and all that kind of stuff in Thailand it’s a very big thing and so like it’s a strange culture out there as well like because it also should be quite a you know quiet kind of timid Asian culture but then there are so many prostitutes and you know that’s a thing and that’s like a very normal thing and it’s like one extreme to the other in Thailand like what was it like growing up there and like it’s so bizarre where did you where did your like passion for sex comes from ?
Dr. Tara Luvbites: You know it’s really crazy and what you said is quite spot-on have you been to Thailand?
Sabrina Chevannes: Yeah I have.
Dr. Tara Luvbites: Okay yeah because you’re like that was pretty insightful and what you said is quite spot-on with the divide.
For Thai people who live in Thailand for Thai people who were born and raised and live in Thailand Thai culture is very conservative. So the sex tourism stuff is almost like partitioned off for foreigners. Like it’s for well when in fact it’s really not just for white people but I don’t know why they say it’s for white people that come here.
Sabrina Chevannes: It’s the rich white men which one.
Dr. Tara Luvbites: Yeah Yeah, It’s not true because there’s also like poor white men and other men you know Asian men, black men, there’s all kind of men that actually come to Thailand to have sex but the sex tourism part is true there’s it’s there it’s very visible but yet Thai people choose to ignore it.
Sabrina Chevannes: That’s interesting.
Dr. Tara Luvbites: Yeah and it’s partitioned off as like a oh it’s a specialty thing it’s like a tourism thing it’s not for us but you know what growing up there It’s very very conservative, very very conservative nothing like being here in Los Angeles nothing like this at all.
People don’t ever talk about sex and when you watch like tv like drama like Thai drama or just like tv shows they never talk about sex and when they do
it’s like a super taboo thing. It’s like bad girl try to like lure the man away from the good girl who like is innocent right right so sex is always portrayed as a negative thing sex is rarely like two percent is rarely rarely portrayed as a positive pleasurable thing it’s always portrayed as a negative thing so growing up there sex was always a taboo sex was something that bad women do
they’re not girlfriend material, they’re not wife material you want to be a good girl you don’t like sex, you want to be a good girl you’re the gatekeeper you’re the innocent, kind, soft, submissive, gatekeeper and you keep it together till you get married.
But no one does that that’s the thing like we all have sex when we’re you know teenagers or maybe like early 20s, no one like none of my friends saved themselves to marriage but they do it in like under the cover.
So yeah, coming from there I would say I have a lot of like shame and guilt regarding my own sexuality. And that’s why in my early 20s I dated so many people I was a people pleaser. I want other people to like love me, to like me that is why I faked orgasms. I pretended to be someone else and I think a lot of girls a lot of women can relate can resonate with that like you know pretending to be someone else so that other people like you.
Sabrina Chevannes: Yeah it’s sad but it’s true like I think yes everyone’s scared, everyone no matter what people say even the most confident people who like I don’t care what people say about me you do you do really like most people.
Dr. Tara Luvbites: We all do yeah of course we’re social animals we want to be accepted.
It’s studied in primates it’s studied in history it’s studies now. We have evidence that we do care so let’s not say we don’t care like we do care can we how can we care kindly how can we care and still no boundaries, how can we care and still be mindful of others and yourself right. So, I think that’s the point.
Sabrina Chevannes: Do you go back to Thailand often at all you notice to visit family?
Dr. Tara Luvbites: I go back once a year.
Sabrina Chevannes: Okay and how do you find it now when you go there and you see the culture and what it’s like?
Dr. Tara Luvbites: It’s still conservative.
Sabrina Chevannes: Like really?
Dr. Tara Luvbites: Yeah, It’s still very conservative, they start to like talk more about sex but in like a comedy funny way which is okay because it has to start somewhere, but yeah it’s still a very very sexually conservative culture and I think it’s still lacking that like women empowerment messages, you know it’s still very much a male dominated country most like CEOs, founders, and most values are placed on men.
There’s very few female leaders and then very few like outspoken women and yeah it’s still very much like if you do a survey in Thailand I’m pretty sure people will still say like girls that are more submissive more like ladylike put together better, do better.
Sabrina Chevannes: So, when you go to Thailand and you’ve being confident and you’ve been put spoken about sex do they assume that you’re a hooker? or something like that or assume you’re a bad person is that what happens?
Dr. Tara Luvbites: I think so I well not my friends because my friends are like this is like such a fresh breath of air like you know I finally have like another Thai woman to talk about sex with I’ve been having this sex issue forever or like I never came I never had an orgasm how do you have one like I’m the person that they can talk to which is awesome but in general I would say in society like it’s still seen as a negative thing.
Sabrina Chevannes: That sucks that really sucks I mean like obviously that’s the point, different cultures are always have different you know reactions of different things and it’s crazy but it really sucks but I get it, I get that there’s still reservations because even in the UK like I said it’s not there are a few people who are very open about it but they’re a lot too on there’s a lot of people who are gonna probably have tuned out of this episode.
