How are you feeling right now? Good? Positive? Or is it a bit of a tricky time for you? Perhaps you’re listening to me on a dog walk – most of my podcast listening happens on dog walks, while I’m doing chores or when I’m commuting.

If you’re out for a walk, are you soaking in all the gorgeous scenery around you? Because there is almost something really gorgeous to look at, no matter where you are.

I live in East London, which many would describe as built up, polluted and generally shabby. But today, I went for a walk along the canal and said hi to the ducks, went through the park and admired how all the leaves are changing colours… and then just seeing my dog’s face as she runs over the green grass. She’s so happy.

Others may have gone out and thought: Man, it’s cold; this place is such a dump and eugh, the people here are so rude.

And you may just think those people are negative, or that I’m being airy fairy by appreciating nature, but how you view things can really change how things turn out for you.

I personally love a reframe – it’s amazing how you can change your perspective on things so easily by tweaking one thing.

The reason I chose this topic today though, is because I’ve been scrolling through social media lately and so many people are really caught in this victim mindset and it’s destroying their businesses.

It’s crazy how many people are stuck there and can’t get out.

Now, don’t get me wrong, we ALL have been there and will go back there. But I think it’s so incredibly important to realise when we’re there and the damage that it can do.

So, the purpose of this episode is to help people understand what victim mentality is and how to recognise it in yourself… and I guess in others. Then, what to do if we’re in it.

For me, learning how to deal with it is a complete game changer.

So, victim mentality essentially is the belief that we are perpetually at the mercy of external forces and we have no control over the situation to make it better.

For example, right now, there are plenty of people blaming the economy for their business not doing well right now. The UK’s new budget announcement has “screwed them over” and we’re in a terrible financial crisis and so naturally that’s why things aren’t going well.

Listen out for it!

You will have definitely heard many people in the victim mindset around you.

I alwayyyys hear things like:
Well, I don’t have the funding they have.
They come from money, so it’s so much easier for them
They have amazing connections from their MBA or their job, so they can easily tap into their network.

I hear this stuff all the time, but they don’t even hear themselves. They can also go out there and build up a network, but because their competitors have a bit of a “head start” or an “unfair advantage” somewhere, they feel like a victim.

This victim mentality has been extensively studied in psychology. The concept is closely linked to learned helplessness, a theory introduced by Martin Seligman. Learned helplessness occurs when someone repeatedly experiences negative outcomes they believe they cannot control. This in turn then leads to a passive and defeatist attitude that they then apply to all future situations. Naturally, this can screw a person up! Their resilience is gone; they can’t solve problems as easily. It’s not great.
Chronic victimhood is also associated with maladaptive cognitive biases such as external locus of control (blaming external factors for personal outcomes) and self-handicapping behaviours (where people sabotage their own success to protect self-esteem).
Studies suggest that such patterns can lead to higher stress levels, depression, and strained interpersonal relationships.
Research also points to the social reinforcement of victim mentality. People who identify as victims may receive sympathy or reduced expectations, which can perpetuate their perspective. Over time, this reduces their willingness to engage with challenges, further entrenching the mentality.
So, if these people are surrounded by people who pander to their every need and constantly tell them that they are hard done by, then they have very little reason to try and change, as they are getting the external validation that they need that life is just oh so hard.
But if we’re gonna run a successful business, we need to snap out of this nonsense. If we constantly view ourselves as a victim, then it completely removes any incentive to take proactive steps and accept responsibility, which is essential in business.
We will have a diminished resilience, innovation and adaptability, not to mention the fact that it can lead to chronic stress and burnout due to the aforementioned learned helplessness.
However, it totally makes sense that it’s so prevalent in entrepreneurship. And guess what… social media does NOT help. We are living in this comparison culture – constantly seeing people’s highlight reels and of course, the bullsh*t revenue and success claims so entrepreneurs who are doing things slowly and honestly feel like they’re being left behind.
The comparanoia kicks in and they start to feel disadvantaged. All those people who talk about 3 simple steps to achieving X and they went from 0 to £100k in 6 months etc.
Meanwhile, some of us are working 100+ hour weeks and barely able to afford to live in this cost of living crisis. How is this fair? We have 10+ years experience in this industry and they entered our arena like 5 mins ago and now they’re top of the table?? This is bullsh*t.
THIS narrative… is victim mentality. This is not how it really is.
If we look closer at what’s real, well, most of these success stories are bullsh*t. People have made them up to look successful. The fake-it-til-you-make-it strategy is bigger than ever now and so you will see people posting all these glamorous posts everywhere just to look like things are going great!
Then there are those who look like an overnight success because you hadn’t heard of them before, but actually they’ve been slogging away in the shadows for the last 10 years.
It’s so easy to compare yourself to others, but this is really really dangerous. Please please go back to my episode on comparanoia to learn all about this and how we can snap out of it.
Social media is an awful place for this all too, as it’s one big echo chamber. You complain that you’re hard-done-by and so many people put comments of sympathy for you and help you bitch about those who are “privileged” and how unfair the government is etc.
There is sooo much focus on the unfair advantage. And constant exposure to other people’s successes may actually make us believe that success is down to either luck or privilege, which reinforces the helplessness as then none of it is in your control.
Although many people believe that you create your own luck, which is probably a topic that I’m going to cover another day!!
But as entrepreneurs we often face immense internal and external pressure to succeed, and so when obstacles arise, it definitely feels a lot easier to shift blame to external circumstances rather than having to analyse our internal strategies and make seriously difficult decisions on how to get out of the hole.
Many of us are also solopreneurs, which means it’s pretty lonely out there. We have to make all these decisions ourselves. Plus, most people are doing the whole remote working or flexible working now, so that means even more time to ruminate on our self-pity!
That’s why it’s sooooo important that we surround ourselves with other entrepreneurs. We need to speak to people who get what we’re going through. Those who understand our decisions, the stresses of our everyday lives and can support us along the way.
Which is why I created N0BS… my entrepreneur members club. I recognised the need that entrepreneurs don’t want to be alone, and that they want to hang out with people who GET them.
Of course it’s not just entrepreneurs who get stuck in this victim mindset, as it’s applicable to everyone. However, since most of the people who listen to this podcast are entrepreneurs, I’m gonna keep my focus there.
If you’re into your personal development, which you probably are if you listen to this podcast, then you’ve probably already heard about the Drama Triangle before.
But it’s a great explanation of how many of us end up in this situation.
The Drama Triangle is a model used in psychology to describe dysfunctional relationship dynamics. It was created back in 1968 by a psychiatrist called Stephen Karpman.
It essentially outlines three roles… hence the triangle!
The Victim: the one who feels helpless, seeks sympathy and often believes they are powerless to change their situation
The Rescuer: they take responsibility for solving the victim’s problems, often to their own detriment
The Persecutor: they blame or criticise the victim, which reinforces their sense of powerlessness.
And naturally you can see how it can just go round and round the triangle.
Now, I’m very guilty of being a frequent rescuer. I have an incessant need to help people and sometimes it’s at my own detriment, but also theirs! I’m enabling.
The reason this model was created though was because it really effectively illustrates unhealthy relational patterns. These relationships, in turn, cause serious problems to someone’s mental state and need to be addressed.
So the question is, how do we shift from a victim mindset to a much more healthy growth mindset?
Well, I said at the start that I love a reframe. We need to cut out the “Why Me?” attitude and change it to “What can I learn from this?” We need to see each setback as a lesson and try to recognise what opportunity we can create from each.
The first step is often accepting responsibility. Whether it’s positive or negative we need to take ownership of all outcomes. We need to recognise that success involves choices, habits and actions within our control, even in challenging circumstances.
By reframing our setbacks to lessons, we can use them as stepping stones for developing grit and resilience. And there are plenty of studies that show that resilience correlates with greater entrepreneurial success. This is clear as those who are resilient are more adaptable and they’re focused on SOLUTIONS rather than on the barriers.
Because this is generally what those who are stuck in the victim mindset do – they focus on the barriers. They look at other people’s unfair advantages and say it’s not fair.
But we actually all have an unfair advantage, even if we haven’t realised it yet.
If you haven’t read the book by Ash Ali and Hasan Kubar, called The Unfair Advantage, you should definitely do so!
It’s all about how we can find our unfair advantage. Because I believe we all have one. Imagine if you found yours and embraced it, so much so, that it pushed your competitors into the victim mindset saying that it’s so unfair that you have this advantage!
There is something out there like that for you!
You may feel like you’ve been through a huge setback and it’s put you at a disadvantage, but actually, if you’ve managed to overcome it, this is now an advantage. Think about someone like Oprah.
You may know her as the most successful female entrepreneur of all time. But do you know what her background is? She was born into poverty – she was raped at the age of 9. She was sexually abused as a young child and became pregnant at just 14, only for her son to be born prematurely and die in infancy.
This is not an easy upbringing. She could have easily slipped into the victim mindset, but she wanted to show the world that she could overcome adversity. And that’s a lot of what she stands for now – helping others get the life they deserve just like she has, because it’s all in our control.
Or take someone like Richard Branson – head of one of the biggest and most successful companies in the world.
He has dyslexia, which could have held him back. He could easily have said it’s not fair and that other people have an advantage over him. However, he completely reframed his dyslexia and he stated that it actually helped him with his business.
Instead, he was able to concentrate on the bigger picture and not get bogged down with all the details like other people would. He was able to think outside the box, was willing to take bigger risks and he got really good at delegating all the things he wasn’t good at, meaning he had way more time to think about big picture ideas.
It may seem silly looking up to the likes of Oprah and Richard Branson and say that we can do that too because we just see them for the giants they are today. But if you take them before all their success, they were just a poor, abused black girl and a dyslexic kid. When I put it that way, I bet you jumped into rescuer mode, right? Feeling sorry for them and probably reinforcing this narrative.
They didn’t let that happen and neither should you.
We need to shift our language and our perspective. Replace phrases like “I can’t because,” with “How can I make this work?” Perhaps also try some daily accountability practice with yourself. Review one thing that didn’t go well that day and take ownership by asking “What could I have done differently?”
It’s not an easy challenge, but it will really do wonders for you.
Then definitely surround yourself with problem-solvers. The ones who are always looking for solutions and taking action – not the ones complaining for the sake of it.
For example, many people have told me that I’m negative because I sniff out the bullsh*t and tell things how they really are. I don’t think I’m negative, but I do think I’m a realist.
I believe that if you ONLY focus on the positive stuff, this can be rather toxic and you end up ignoring the underlying issues. I’m a problem-solver. So, I like to quickly identify the problem, no matter how bad it is, because then I can focus on finding a solution.
Just like how overcoming victim mentality doesn’t mean ignoring the real obstacles. I’m not asking you to just do positive affirmations and ignore any real problems occurring, but instead face them with a mindset that favours responsibility, resilience and creative problem-solving.
Remember that the most successful entrepreneurs shift from focusing on external limitations to maximising what they can control.
I really hope this episode has helped you and you’re perhaps able to tackle some of those annoying thoughts that pop into your head. At least now, you will be more aware of them perhaps.
Anyway, I will see you next week, so until then, keep sniffing out the bullsh*t!