HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

I know I’m not American, but I deliberately delayed the release of this episode to coincide with Thanksgiving because I love using this time to do a bit of self-reflection.

And I think it’s a really nice American tradition where people are encouraged to say something like they are thankful for and practice a bit of gratitude. So, even though I don’t have the history of it all, like Americans, I like to use this day as an excuse to practice some self-reflection.

Gratitude journals are all the rage on social media too. They’re designed so aesthetically that they feel like they’re something to be treasured. You enjoy writing in them. But journaling does genuinely have some scientific benefits.

For example, studies show that writing down what you’re grateful for can increase levels of happiness and decrease depression. So, gratitude journaling can help rewire the brain to focus on positive experiences, fostering long-term emotional resilience.

Also, reflecting on what you’re grateful for reduces cortisol levels and enhances overall emotional well-being, thereby reducing stress.

It’s also been linked to lower blood pressure, better immune response, and reduced symptoms of illness due to this reduction in stress.

Since many people do these gratitude practices before bed too, this journaling has been associated with improved sleep quality. This is because when the intrusive thoughts are analysed and written down, it helps you to move on from them and foster relaxation instead.

But for those of you who have listened to me for a while, you know I’m not a very “woo” person. I’m extremely logical and I love for things to be backed by science. So, I wasn’t going to just jump on a trend because everyone else was doing it and it has some sexy notebooks. Don’t get me wrong – I have about 20 of those sexy notebooks currently sitting on my bookshelf. I absolutely LOVE a sexy notebook!

However, I’ve been practicing gratitude in my own way now for a couple of years and it’s done wonders for me. I keep thinking back as to why I’ve changed so much when it comes to this and why I suddenly feel so grateful for everything. But my happiness levels have risen immensely since all this and I wanted to share this with you in case it may help you too.

I think it probably started back in the pandemic. Seeing how many people lost loved ones and relatives so brutally and I was lucky enough to not have lost anyone super close to me. I think it made me feel guilty somewhat. I was terrified to lose my parents though. When it all happened, I was actually just about to visit them. I was heading to theirs for the weekend when the country shut down. I still remember the call from my brother. He was one of the doctors in charge of the whole COVID thing in our country. He was talking to Spain, who had already gone through it all and he was hearing just how bad this whole thing was.

I mean, he must have been terrified listening to how many people were dying and that we were all basically helpless at the time.

I remember him saying to me: DO NOT GO HOME – YOU’RE GONNA KILL MUM AND DAD. I remember just crying and freaking out. It was all so scary.

It was basically just crappy timing, because I was living in a flatshare at time, because I was trying to save up money to buy my own apartment and so I thought I’d just rent a room rather than a whole place. But it’s just my luck that I moved in with a legit psycho.

She was super paranoid and used to think I was stealing her food, even though I wasn’t even in the country, or it would be food that I’m allergic to. She used to send me bitchy messages on Facebook and just be really hostile.

Then, one day, I came back home and she had thrown out everything I owned in the kitchen. So, not just all my food, but my plates, mugs, coffee machine etc. She threw it in a bin bag right outside our front door and then shoved loads of used crap all over it and left it there for me to see.

It was so crazy.

I then confronted her about it when she was at home cooking with her bf, but then her bf grabbed a knife and threatened me with it. It scared the living daylights out of me, so I called the police. They came and they arrested him, which I was surprised about as nothing major happened. But it turned out that he was on probation.

So, she was utterly fuming and threatening me verbally about it all. The next day, I got home and there were three dudes outside my flat waiting for me. I had to completely leg it!

I just ran and ran and ran all through London. Thank goodness this was all pre knee surgery when I actually could still kinda run. Although, I think the adrenaline is what kept me going – the fact I legit thought I was going to die.

I remember hiding in the cemetery for hours – less creeped out surrounded by dead bodies. And then went over to Bethnal Green police station and managed to stay safe for the night.

Anyway, I reported all this to the landlords and it was just as the whole COVID thing started to sweep the nation and they were like nahhhhh screw this – we don’t want any of this drama in our house and kicked us all out. And because it was in the height of COVID, I wasn’t able to find anywhere to go because estate agents weren’t showing properties etc. It was so tricky.

So, I had planned to stay with my parents for a little while. But after getting that call from my brother, I was terrified.

And just like that, I was suddenly homeless. I had to put all my stuff in storage, but there was nowhere for me to sleep.

I looked at hotels which were doing monthly options during COVID but it was all just so expensive. I had so many contracts from work cancelled because of everything that was going on and I just wasn’t earning any money.

I rang a bunch of friends, or people I thought were my friends, and no one would help. I had friends who had access to things like WeWork offices and I asked if I could access it to use the shower and have some shelter in the day but they said no as they didn’t want to get into trouble.

I was so upset. I would have done that for them.

So, I ended up sleeping in my storage unit. I just walked around in the day – went to parks, worked on my laptop when I could, got food from Tesco and then went back to my storage unit.

I did this for several days and everyone I asked said it was too risky to help me and so I didn’t know what to do. It was only when I decided to be honest with my new boyfriend that I couldn’t find anywhere to go. I was too embarrassed and ashamed at the time. We were very new and I really liked him.

But he was amazing and told me I could live with him. The problem is, he was in a small, two bed apartment with his mate too. So, it was kinda cramped then being in a full on lockdown with them. And super awkward when you’re a new couple.

BUT, I was unbelievably grateful as I was in an actual bed and not on a sofabed surrounded by belongings that sometimes fell on me when I was trying to sleep.

At this point, I already felt grateful, BUT then the gratitude very quickly disappeared. I started to moan and get annoyed about the lack of space. I didn’t like living with two boys when we also were not allowed to leave the house. It caused friction in what should have been an exciting start to a relationship, but put us in some awkward position very early.

I had no money and was still struggling to get any business. The government stuff all seemed to miss me out and I couldn’t even get a bounce back loan or anything. I felt super low and I just focused on the bad stuff.

Even though, just weeks before, I was literally living in a storage unit and this was heaven compared to that, I only saw the negative stuff.

This almost ended our relationship! I mean, I think it actually did for like a day. But i had to actively snap myself out of it.

I had to think to myself what I really wanted. I wanted to be with this guy, but live separately so we have our own space. I wanted to work again and build a business.

So, I started going back to freelance mode – doing any job I absolutely could. I did online chess lessons, wrote articles for people, created social media graphics and just became an online consultant for all the people now digitalising their businesses.

I managed to save up enough money and then moved out as soon as I could get myself into another flatshare. Because, let’s face it, I still couldn’t afford my own apartment.

But I REALLY wanted my own apartment and so that was my next major goal.

But moving into my new place, even though it was a flatshare, with no living room and a teeny tiny kitchen, I loved it.

I felt so insanely grateful again – I had my own space and my bf and I started to get on so much better because we could just be ourselves and start dating properly again. I had a little courtyard and just went outside each day in it to read and just really appreciated having this during such a difficult time in the world.

But once again, I started to lose that gratitude because as I started building up my business again, I’d get on Zoom calls and I’d have comments about my room.

“Why are you on a call in your bedroom?
“You look poor!”

I was like errrr, I only have one room in the house! But these people couldn’t comprehend this as they had a big townhouse in the country and they had home offices all equipped nicely.

I got upset about my home again. This is when I think I got known for my Zoom background, as I was one of the first to have a video background – I picked a relaxing waterfall as I thought it was calming and relaxing. But it was really to avoid looking poor.

So, I realised that it’s so easy to stop being grateful and listen to the negativity.

But the moment I realised I needed to start being super intentional about my gratitude was when I finally landed my dream home.

Now, I don’t have big aspirational dreams of a giant townhouse with a pool etc., but all I ever wanted was my own London apartment. I wanted a modern apartment with a balcony and a walk-in wardrobe.

That to me, was the definition of cool. So I always had this dream – probably since seeing Clueless, cos her wardrobe is to die for.

But I always said – I want to buy a modern apartment in London, in one of those new builds and I want a balcony… with an egg chair and then I want to turn one of the rooms into a walk-in wardrobe.

And after 18 months of working my butt off… I did exactly that! It was amazing. I was so happy.

But the thing is, I still needed to work from home a lot, so I needed an office space! The problem, I didn’t have the money to buy an apartment that could get me a guest room, a walk-in wardrobe AND a private office, so I had to get innovative.

Instead, the room that I made into a walk-in wardrobe doubled as my office. I have a nice desk by the window and a bookcase, printer, drawers etc. so that end of the room is my office.

I loved it!

Dreams can come true, I thought.

UNTIL…

I kept getting trolled on Zoom calls again.

“When are you coming out of the closet Sabrina?”
“Sabrina is trying money laundering, so she thinks that means working among her clothes”.

It was ridiculous.

Once again, I looked poor apparently.

I am in my dream apartment, in a walk in wardrobe and I still look poor. Because I don’t have a fancy townhouse.

At this point, I realised that I was the one being ridiculous – not them!!! I was letting them get in my head and allow myself to feel ungrateful for what I had. I absolutely don’t need more space in my apartment. I have all this space to myself. Well, not anymore now. That hero bf who took me in back in 2020? He lives here now and we’re getting married next year. Yes, it has a happy ending, which is why I wanted to bring it up haha.

But yeah, I couldn’t believe that I was sitting here thinking “Oh man, I wish I had a home office”. Because, in fact, I walk in the door of this flat every single day and love life. Even now, I’ve been here for 3 years and still think I’m incredibly lucky.

I love this apartment, I love my home and I love this office, where I am writing now. In fact, I decided to massively embrace this hybrid office/walk-in wardrobe and I named it the CLOFFICE.

I don’t put a virtual background on most of the time and I record in here and you can see it clearly in the background!

In fact, in the first season of my other podcast – No Bullsh*t Talks, because it was virtual, you could see me in my cloffice. People used to stop me at networking events and say “Are you the one who records in your wardrobe?” I would proudly say YES.

So, it was at this moment when I realised I needed to get super intentional about practicing gratitude and I bought myself the Five Minute Journal by Intelligent Change. I really love this brand and I’ve put the link in the show notes for them along with a 10% off code.

But I have to be honest, I struggled with the journaling a lot. I found it quite forced. Every single day, I was forced to think of things that I was grateful for? But what if I had a bit of a crappy day? I’d really be pissed off trying to think of THREE things that I was grateful for.

Then, to do it every day, you’d run out of things to say.

Am I really gonna say “oh I’m grateful for this blue sky”. I mean, come on, that’s a bit lame. I think sometimes, if you’re forcing yourself to do something, it can be ineffective. You need to really want to do it.

So, I started to cut down how often I’d write in the journal. I just did it whenever I had a day where I wasn’t feeling great and it would help pick me back up and put some things into perspective.

I would think really long and hard about what I felt grateful for in that moment – something that if it got taken away from me, I’d be devastated.

More often than not, I’d have things like “I’m grateful to be able to walk”. Because I didn’t walk for two years and now I’m so grateful whenever someone says I need to walk somewhere!

Perhaps if I had a long walk in the past, I’d moan, or look to take a bus or cab, but now I embrace the walk. I feel grateful that I’m able to even make that walk. And it’s been over a year now since I’ve been able to walk again and that gratitude has truly stayed with me.

Now, I’m definitely not saying that you should look for a silver lining in everything all the time and skate over the bad stuff. For example, when I couldn’t walk during that time, part of me started to feel guilty that I was upset, because I knew it was temporary. So, I felt bad that I was upset about my lack of mobility when there are permanent wheelchair users out there.

I could have said to myself “just be grateful I have this much mobility.” But you can’t do that to yourself. You can’t just feel OK when your life drastically changes. It’s OK to feel down and be upset with whatever you’re going through, but there’s always something you can feel grateful for and it’s important that you do find it in difficult situations, or those real feelings of sadness can overwhelm you.

This is also why I find that some people who do gratitude journaling can end up in a toxic positivity mindset, as they are only trying to focus on good things that happened and ignore the bad stuff.

But going through the difficult stuff is important – it’s what you need to do to overcome it. Imagine going to a therapist and telling them all your problems and they said to you: “OK but why don’t you just say some positive affirmations and then everything will be fine?” You’d be a bit shocked!!

Instead, they talk you through the bad things – help you work through them. Then, they also highlight the great stuff. It’s much more balanced.

So sometimes, I think it’s healthy to pick out what sucks and address that it sucks. But then be solutions oriented and think “How can I make this not suck?”

I’ve been handling all the difficult things in this way a lot more now and it’s been much easier to manage. Plus, I’ve been feeling in a constant state of gratitude because I’m doing the exercises when I am really feeling it, rather than forcing myself to do it every night.

I go deeper, think for longer and now I truly feel that way a lot.

Anyway, I just wanted to bring you this episode to let you know that I’m feeling incredibly grateful on this thanksgiving.

I’m grateful for everything I’ve been given in life. I’m grateful for my loving parents who have done everything they’ve ever could to help me succeed. I’m grateful for my ability to walk and learning more about what affects my health and improving it day by day. I’m grateful for every opportunity I get and the people who believe in me. I’m grateful that I have the cutest chow chow in the world who welcomes me home every day with the biggest adoration. And last, but most definitely not least, I’m grateful for my wonderful fiancé who is ALWAYS there for me and makes me feel so incredibly loved and wonderful every single day.

With these things in your life, how can you actually feel sad?

I invite you to think about what you’re grateful for on this Thanksgiving, whether you celebrate these holidays or not.

And think deeply about it to see if you can make this a more permanent state of mind too.

That’s a long one from me today, but it’s been an emotional one. I hope you found it useful and I will see you next week for another episode of Sniffing Out the Bullsh*t.