I try to get to the truth. I think the game of business and life, one of the closest you get to the truth, which is why I love this idea of No Bullsh*t Talks.
So the truth is that, yeah, I’m not 100% responsible, but then nobody is, right?
And I’ve said this to the team actually a few times when I’ve been remotely half-decent. I’m often not, if I’m being honest.
But I say, look, okay, we lost a client. I won’t say their name, but you know them. And I was quite annoyed with the team. And I thought, actually, look, I think it’s almost all their fault, right? But there’s things I could have done differently.
And there’s about six people that were stakeholders in that. So I came in and said, look, 0 to 100 in responsibility, we’ll each take a number. And I don’t really care what it is, but let’s all do that and let’s look at what we can control.
I like that. It’s a really good exercise.
Because it’s true.
It is. Okay, so it might be like, if I was being generous to them, I’d say, okay, I’ll take 25% of the blame.
But do you know what I mean? You can just say, actually, between us. I mean, if we’d had a fallout, okay, right, we can take 50/50 of the blame. Or I can say I’ll take 70%. I should have said this and this to you.
Because the truth is, I can control me.
And actually, that allows me to have that growth mindset.
I think that’s the big distinction between people that get ahead and people that don’t. It’s the old adage of growth versus fixed mindset. You need to always be growing and always learning.
And if you’re not saying, actually, here’s what I would have done differently, it hurts though.
But then that’s why you learn, right?
You know, it’s the same way. Like, you take your hand off a hot stove because it hurts. You’re getting feedback.
But life’s a contact sport, as you know I like to say.
And it is. It is contact.
But I love playing the game.
I just think, like, well, it’s a great exercise. And I think that, like you said, it hurts, but pretty much most things that are good for you hurt.
Like, no pain, no gain and all that.
People don’t want to go to the gym. They want to go, they want to lose weight, but then they don’t want to push themselves to the point where it hurts.
But it’s always been pushing yourself. That’s what causes growth at the end of the day as well.
Yeah, I think you normalize the discomfort.
And I think you say, actually, because the truth is, if you take the easy route now, your life will get harder, right?
So I could take the easy route and not go to the gym later. And I could eat chocolate. I could smoke a cigarette and drink some alcohol tonight.
I could do all of those things if I wanted, and they’d actually be nicer in the short run.
But if I continue that over a period of time, my life will get infinitely worse.
So you just choose your pain, right?
I mean, Mark Manson says that, you know, in *The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck*, right?
It’s just like, there’s going to be challenges whatever you do, so you may as well choose the ones actually, you know, you enjoy and you’re feeling like you’re learning and growing.
But it’s a mature attitude though.
It’s all, I think everything’s all about maturity, right?
Most problems that people encounter, the reason they’re struggling is because they’re not sophisticated enough, right?
My son, if I showed him… He’s 10 years old. He doesn’t know algebra.
If I said, you know, 4x = 16, what does x equal?
He wouldn’t be able to say four. He’d just go, “Don’t know, Daddy.”
And same with most things.
But as he gets older and learns algebra, he’ll be able to go, it’s four.
And it’s exactly the same with most problems in life.
Like, don’t wish it were easier, wish you were better.
And not in a way of, “Oh, I’m terrible.”
But it’s like, okay, how can I learn this?
But again, you can’t do this from low energy.
If you’re in fight or flight and you’re on your phone and rushing around…
I’m exactly the same. If I’m really anxious, fuck all this stuff. Like, I can’t think this clearly because I’m in fight or flight.
And then I fall into a victim mindset of like, “You did this to me,” and, you know, like, “It’s me against the world, and I’ve got to go and rescue a thing now, and I’m fed up of it,” and blah, blah, blah.
And I’d get seduced by those thoughts all the time.
You know, let’s not pretend. You’ve heard me complain a few times.
And I would say victim mindset is probably one of my biggest weaknesses.
And yeah, there’s that model in psychology where you move off the drama triangle and into the winner’s triangle.
So you move away from victim to vulnerable and be like, “Look, the reason I was being a bit, you know, arsey with you earlier is because I’m just really scared about problems in my business, and I took all of that thinking and transmitted it over to you, and it’s nothing to do with you, and I’m really sorry.”
Like, that is much better than being like, “Sabrina, you really shouldn’t have spoken to me like that. That’s fucking out of order.”
But it’s a huge difference.
And it’s a huge difference, but it’s also really difficult to do.
Like what you’ve just said there. It’s so easy to be like, “You this, you that, you that.”
Transforming that blame, that’s easy. Anyone can do that.
You’d be like, “It’s her fault. God, aren’t they incompetent?”
And it’s so easy to just shift that blame to other people.
It’s so hard to take that ownership and to just be like, “You know what? I was wrong.”
And actually, then not only admit that you’re wrong, because you might know you’re wrong deep down inside, but then coming out and saying it to the person’s face and actually apologizing and saying what you’re actually scared of.
That is probably one of some people’s biggest fears.
Terrible. It is, right?
But it should. It does get easier, I think.
I think it gets much easier.
And I think every time you do it, not only does the other person massively appreciate it, massively appreciate, it just makes you grow as a person every single time.
And I think that also, as I’ve started to realize when I’m in that victim mindset, I definitely go, “Oh my God, all this stuff’s happening.”
And, you know, I kind of like be like, “Oh my God, why do I always have to do all this stuff? Why have I always got all these things going on?”
But as you said, everyone’s accountable for some part, whatever the percentage is.
And you have to kind of take the time to do it, and then you learn from it.
Every single time you do that, you grow so much more. You learn so much.
But I guess it’s, again, you saying about you know maturity. It’s a mature thing, but it’s also that short-term versus long-term thing.
And I think that short-term pain, whether it’s going to the gym, whether it’s like saying no to a dessert, whether it’s, like I said, admitting fault, all these things are not pleasant. They’re not fun to do.
And you’d rather just take the easy way out.
But by doing that every single time, the long term is going to have phenomenal results, right? And that’s the difference.
Well, and neither is lifting weights. Neither is not smoking.
All of these things you need to do to grow, like you say.
And it’s not easy. It’s not comfortable.
And again, that’s the maturity thing, right?
Funny story. Rebecca might be listening to this.
She was away the other weekend, and I was supposed to be looking after Zach.
And I may have overslept a little bit.
Who’s Zach?
My 10-year-old son, by the way.
And he snuck downstairs at 5:00 a.m. to watch TV and asked me to go with him, and I said no.
And I woke up about 7:30, and before I could check on Zach, he was running around the kitchen.
He’d got a whole bag of Fruit Pastilles. He climbed up into the cupboard and just had them all for breakfast.
And that’s the thing.
But that’s pure… like, he cannot say no.
I mean, probably lots of people listening, I could scoff a whole bag of Fruit Pastilles.
But imagine if you’re 10-year-old sized.
Well, also, a lot of people listening are probably thinking, “Oh my God, yeah, been there. My kid’s done that as well.”
Yeah, he’s running around the kitchen.
But it’s just like, you know, he couldn’t say no.
And that’s absolutely fine because he’s immature.
So I think that’s the thing.
It’s just a game of maturing.
I think every day is, how can I mature?
And also, you just catch yourself.
Like, I messed up.
When I came in, I was complaining about someone I had an interaction with earlier. It was a bit of a back and forth.
And on reflection, I could have been a bit kinder. I could have been a bit less blunt. I could have been more curious to see why she was taking a position I thought was absurd.
And then after we argued a bit, and then she said, “No, it’s because of this, this, and this.”
Oh yeah, okay. That’s a bit more understandable.
So I came in with condemnation, not curiosity.
And that’s not fair.
But again, I was rushed.
Interestingly enough, going back to the anxious money state, I was actually a bit late for my lunch.
And she caught me as I was walking out of the club, Home Grown.
She’s like, “Marcus, can I talk about this, this, and this?”
And I was just like…
And so much of it is quite innocent.
Like, when I have a spat with Rebecca or a bad word with a team member, it’s often because I’m a bit stressed. I’m in a rush. I’m late. I’m up in my head.
I’m not the best version of me.
There could be a hundred different Marcuses depending on my energy levels and mood.
And if I’m low energy, low mood, I’m going to be quite difficult.
If I’m high energy and high mood, it’s like, “Yeah, cool. Let’s chat.”
And I’ve got to remember that there’s all these different dimensions.
So it’s seeing the innocence in other people’s behavior, not taking it so seriously, but just having that mirror constantly going, “Oh, I’m not consistent. My moods are up and down. I’m feeling my thinking, not what you’re saying.”
And that is just a mature way of being, of growing that awareness.
Which I guess ties into the retreat company that we have, and also ties into perhaps the other two things I’m involved with, with Found and the Million Tree Pledge.
Amazing.